Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me too, bag. Me too….
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people