Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
philosophical skeletons be like
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?