Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!