“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??