“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The struggle is real
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.