Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.