Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?