I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’m tired tomorrow.