Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????