Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.