@CindyMeakin: Well, I'm going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
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@Ivsy01: Breaking up (be mature, be mature, be mature) Me: (eating chips) you can't use the carpool lane anymore.
@yonewt: Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your "sweatie"
@crylenol: *pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
@BlondeFacade: I sprayed Taylor Swift's new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby's.