Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k