@brendohare: Well I'm not really sure why you put "Baby: Ages 0-6" on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
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@IamEnidColeslaw: I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
@david8hughes: [to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches] "I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to."
@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.