So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.