My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Rather alarming headline…
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“That’s what” – She
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight