Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
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ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.