Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.