I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
You Might Also Like
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?