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I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Not today
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??