sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this