Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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<- sleeps well with others
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party