Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
#parenting
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter