8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???