6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
You Might Also Like
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up