Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*