I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
We found love in a hopeless place.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”