I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
bro what is going on at twitter
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Do not steal food from the science building!
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there