Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again