Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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anyone else like Italian cereal
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*checks Timeline*…
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
This squirrel eats better than I do
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.