Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
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Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
(2022)
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match