WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.