Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.