Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.