@Matt_The_1st: Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
@sploosk: my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying "this one's on the house" every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
@jordan_stratton: WINSTON CHURCHILL: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: "Yeah... and sharks"