Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans