*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!