Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”