@Smooheed: Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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@moooooog35: Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
@shutupmikeginn: if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun