Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
This is my favorite one of these!
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: