@twitinfected: Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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@d_duhwit: First day as waiter Boss: Can you clear table 5? Me: Well I haven't done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..
@Try2StopME: Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
@DanMentos: 18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese