@twitinfected: Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when
@JoshontheGo: Sorry, I can't take your call right now, I'm all tied up. -submissive's answering machine.