Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.