@SonOfCha: Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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@hippieswordfish: 'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
@CantWaitToNap: Never have I ever... rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.