@SonOfCha: Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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@kellyoxford: 7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
@ericsshadow: A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
@runawaycupcake: The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard: I'm so sorry your grandma died? I love you?
@ashleyn1cole: WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.