Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Lmaoo 😂
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.