@JohnLyonTweets: Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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@trojansauce: ME: *vaping* FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen? ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
@I_am_Lukem: Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you. I'm Local Man.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife's online shopping downstairs so I'm upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.