Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Thanks to a fan for this one.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
#milo
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time