@JohnLyonTweets: Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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@SuperTeeWhy: [School] Teacher: What's ur biggst fear? Child1: Ghosts! Child2: Dogs! Child3: That humanity's core reaction to misunderstanding is anger
@ojedge: Wife: "Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia's gold bikini?" Me: [nervously tightening my robe] "Who would do that?"
@iscoff: TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times