Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
This meal prepping shit is easy
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting