Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Milk Cube
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner