Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Message from the dog groomers
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”