I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
mumsnet is amazing
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”