Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?