*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.