Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.