Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I love it all
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?