went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Owl Sanctuary
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
welcome back
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.