This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
you stereotypes are all alike
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once