Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Super Hand Dog Face
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.